Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Reporting Back/Reportándome

This is a little overdue...I'm reporting back now that I'm on the other side of the first round of ICE.

I'm ok, in fact, ever since about Monday I feel almost back to normal....which makes me just really super happy. I remember this feeling from last year when I was in treatment...it's a feeling that just makes you so happy you want to cry all the time and smile from ear to ear and celebrate every single second that you're not sick....and enjoy every second because you know the sick is coming back.

Last week was pretty awful...just really terrible. I had underestimated the impact chemo was going to have on me...underestimated its persistent, tough fight, and overestimated my ability to fight back. Instead, and not the slightest bit slowed by my defense, it rolled over me and won round one. Everything thing went reasonably well in the hospital, there were a few problems, but the nice thing about being in the hospital is that they get on that stuff fast, and correct problems and ease pain pretty quickly. I definitely started getting sick by the third day, and by the fourth day when we were discharged, I was one sick puppy. I got home and laid down Tuesday, and didn't get up, except to the bathroom, until Saturday. I don't know if the sun came out at all, or if it rained all week. The side effects are the usual....nausea, loss of appetite, etc. The worst part, though, is the exhaustion....which doesn't sound as bad as it is...like, we all say "man, I'm tired" or "I'm exhausted"....and you are, I believe you. We all get tired...living is tiring. But this is something else, it's extreme, incapacitating exhaustion that drains your soul and steals your spirit. I felt crushed, defeated, worthless....really, like I was just existing there for several days - needing help from others to perform even the simplest of human function...not being able to focus enough to watch a full movie, only half caring what was on the television that I was only half watching. It feels like you are going to feel and look terrible forever, and it feels impossible to see the end though you know it will come. It's awful, it's just really awful.

But then it broke, and I slowly morphed over the weekend back into a functioning person, and come Monday I even got dressed in real clothes and went into the world and did things on my own. Monday was a really good day, I felt amazing. I ate and ate and ate, and smiled all the time...even just while I was alone, driving, getting ready for bed, petting the dog. It feels so good to feel good.

As far as treatment planning goes, we are expecting to have the next treatment the second week of April, and stem cell collection after that....

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and well wishes, and thank you to everyone who helped me through this last week. An especially big thank you to my mom and husband without whom I would have been completely unable to deal.

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Ya les debía un reporte, perdón que me tardé tanto....ya terminé el primer tratamiento de quimio ICE, y vengo a reportar desde el otro lado de ese cañón.

Ya estoy bien, de hecho, desde el lunes me siento ya casi normal....lo cual me da una enorme felicidad. Recuerdo esta sensación del año pasado cuando estaba en tratamiento....es una sensación o como un ánimo que me hace tan feliz, realmente eufórico, quiero llorar de felicidad, sonreír hasta que me duela, y festejar cada instante que no estoy enferma...y disfrutarlo al máximo porque sé que viene lo feo otra vez en unas cuantas semanas.

La semana pasada fue horrible, realmente horrible. Había subestimado el impacto que iba a tener la quimio....había subestimado su poder, su persistente fuerza bruta, y había sobrestimado mi habilidad de resistir y de pelear. No lo aguanté...mi débil defensa no pudo contra esta quimio, y ella ganó esta ronda. En el hospital casi todo estuvo bien, hubo problemas y complicaciones de repente, pero lo bueno de estar en el hospital es que ahí arreglan los problemas en súper chinga y te dan la medicina que necesitas o hacen las pruebas necesarias, y alivian dolor y complicaciones con agilidad y pericia. Me empecé a sentir mal el tercer día, y ya el cuarto día que me dieron de alta, ya estaba bien malilla. Llegamos a la casa, me acosté, y no me levanté mas para ir al baño hasta el sábado. No sé si hubo sol o si llovió toda la semana. Los efectos de la quimio son las típicas, nausea, pérdida del apetito, etc....pero lo más gacho es el agotamiento físico - y quiero aclarar que eso no suena tan mal como realmente es. Solemos decir "estoy muy cansado" o "estoy agotado!" mucho....y si lo estás, te creo. Pero esto es otra cosa....otro animal...es un agotamiento extremo, incapacitante, que te agarra y no te suelta.......te hiere el alma y te roba la fe. Me sentía deshecha, herida, patética....neta, como que estaba ahí no más sobreviviendo mi existencia por varios días - necesitaba ayuda de otros para hacer hasta las funciones humanas más sencillas....sin poder enfocarme la atención necesaria para ver una película, sólo ahí medio viendo la tele, sin importarme mucho que estaba viendo. Se siente como si te fueras a sentir y verte así para siempre, y parece imposible ver el final aunque sí sabes que va a llegar. Del nabo.

Pero de repente terminó, y lentamente me transformé en una persona normal, funcional, y el lunes hasta me vestí en ropa normal y salí al mundo a hacer cosas yo solita como si nada. El lunes fue un día increíble....me sentía increíble...e increíblemente agradecida. Comí y comí....todo lo que había hasta llenar, y me la pasé riendo todo el día...hasta cuando estaba sola y no había nadie, me reía mientras comía, manejaba, me lavaba los dientes....neta que se siente tan maravilloso sentirte bien.

Del tratamiento, estamos planeando que la siguiente ronda de quimio ICE va a ser en la segunda semana de abril, y haremos la colección de células madre después de eso...

Mil gracias por todo su apoyo y buenos pensamientos, en especial a mi esposo, Luis, que es un súper buen enfermero y mi adoración total.
Sé que no he sido muy buena en responder correos...pero sé que pueden entender que ahorita está un poco difícil. Los quiero mucho a todos. Un beso.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

darcy,
i'm sure that even at my most wickedly sick moments, i haven't come close to how you have had to feel on a regular schedule. im sorry that getting better hurts so much! that kicking cancers ass gives you such a beating. you are heroic for your strength and your constant smiles after you come out the other side of these battles.

Tyler said...

I just now found your blog, but look forward to visiting regularly and keeping tabs on how you're doing ... good and bad. You're such an amazingly tough person. I wish you all the best in your fight and send you all the well wishing I have in me.

laulausmamma said...

Hey Darcy...glad you are feeling so much better after round #1 and have that great smile back on your face : } Enjoy the coming days of feeling great. You are amazing as you fight to kick cancers butt...it's a hard battle but with your army of warriors behind you, we'll all help you get the job done. It's worth the fight!! Super-big Cadbury Egg ((HUGS))...

Susan

Duane said...

I'm so happy to see that you're feeling much better. You have an indomitable spirit, Darcy! Keep rocking!!!!!

Melissa said...

Hey D. Just thought I'd be crazy and leave a message on your blog this time. Thinking about you lots in these days coming up to your next battle. Cancer is such crap, chemo is such crap, gah!!! Not much more to say. Love you girl. I''ll be checking in on you. - mel